The Binge-Restrict Cycle of our Identity

When we grow up in a restrictive, suppressive and critical household demanding perfection through shaming messages, we often feel pulled between two identities.  When the shame is in the driver’s seat, we often: 

1. Suppress self-expression and emotions, forcing ourselves to be neutral, often through dissociation

2. Suppress our excitement for life, our curiosity, our ability to play & relax

3. live only in our intellectual world, seeking structure

4. force ourselves to be constantly striving for better

Just to name a few.  

What happens is we often hit a wall, and It feels like we very suddenly become another person.  We often become:

1. impulsive and risk taking - often engage in excessive shopping, seek dangerous & thrilling situations - any behavior described as “out of character” by others

2. become “lazy” and stop striving or take a break from responsibilities

3. focus only on seeking pleasurable means

4. become obsessive, such as video gaming

5. we can even become highly emotional

6. maybe we even change our physical appearance and sense of style

What I’m describing may sound like mania or hypomania from bipolar disorder, but it is a fairly common, albeit not often discussed, process for many people living in a constant state of perfectionistic drive.  I’m borrowing the restriction & binge cycle from eating disorder circles, because I feel it describes this situation perfectly.  When we become too “restrictive” with our sense of self, live by too many rigid rules, suppress our emotions and enjoyment of life, it becomes too much.  Perfectionistic shame demands so much energy from us that we eventually tap out.  And that’s when we start “binging” on life.  This swing often feels good in the moment because we have a temporary break from the perfectionistic shame.  However, that shame comes roaring back eventually, critiquing every single decision we make during our binge episode.  We feel we have no option but to feel so disgusted with ourselves.  Which then motivates us to restrict, to use the shame as a guide and restrict all the enjoyment of life and force ourselves back into our shell of suppression.  Until that becomes too much and be we binge again.  And the cycle continues.  

The problem is, there are genuine needs underneath the binging behavior, needs that have been ignored and forced into the dark corners of your mind.  Maybe you have a need to:

1. be expressive

2. to reclaim and feel your emotions

3. to relax and rest

4. feel confident in your personhood

5. to laugh and play

6. to emotional & mental freedom from shame

7. to make our own choices 

8. to be kind to ourselves

But due to our shame-driven restriction, our needs explode into what can be dangerous and unhealthy behaviors, and the needs get shamed back into being disallowed.  We have to work in therapy to reduce the shame-driven restriction to stop the cycle and to truly honor and express our needs consistently in a life-giving and fulfilling manner, free of binging and shame.