Adult Children of Narcissistic Families

 

You may find yourself on my page because you've experienced some bad therapy in the quest to heal from your childhood.  Many therapists may minimize your experience ("they did the best they could"), play devil's advocate, encourage premature/inauthentic forgiveness and reconciliation amongst many other damaging suggestions.  I understand this experience and hope to provide you with some validation that what you've experienced is real.     

 

Narcissistic families come in two forms: overt and covert. 

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Overtly dysfunctional family dynamics can be easy for the children to identify.  Example of overt dysfunction include drug use, physical abuse, verbal abuse (such as yelling), sexual abuse and incest, abandonment, and some forms of emotional and psychological abuse.  As an adult reminiscing on your childhood, the trauma you experienced may be easily identifiable upon inspection.  

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But what happens when the trauma is not so easily identifiable upon inspection?  Covertly dysfunctional family dynamics are different.  Everything may have seemed fine to you or to outsiders.  You may have had all of your physical needs met with plenty of food, clothing, after-school activities and hobbies to keep busy, and your family may have been actively involved in the community.  Your family probably looked like most other families on your street, or maybe even better.  Yet, you may feel a sense of discomfort when reminiscing about your childhood.  Something feels off and you may wonder, "how could I feel this way when everything truly seemed normal?"  You may feel confused and begin to question your experiences. 

 

Maybe you remember being your parent's confidant, knowing things a child shouldn't know, doing or knowing things that aren't a child's responsibility.  Maybe you don't remember your parents ever asking how you feel or what you need, or showing you love.  Maybe you remember feeling always at fault for situations, or called "difficult" often.  Maybe you remember spending hours and hours alone entertaining yourself.  Maybe you felt angry often because nobody understood you.  Maybe you had to work to be "good enough" to be loved. 
 

Children of overtly and covertly narcissistic families could not go to their parents for emotional support or comfort, and were often responsible for meeting the needs of their parents.  As children we were given too much responsibility, blamed for situations or actions of others, frequently criticized, punished, minimized, ignored, left alone, escaping into a fantasy world to cope, or looking towards other families or peers, or substances, to fill a void.  

As adults, you may:​

- focus on pleasing others

- find yourself frequently apologizing

- find it difficult to put your needs first believing this to be selfish

- have difficulty experiencing anger, or find yourself feeling anger too easily

- find it difficult to assert boundaries, or are too rigid with your boundaries 

- be constantly busy and always striving to achieve

- have trouble holding others' accountable for their behavior, or run easily when others hurt you

- feel defective and inadequate, guilty or shameful 

- fear being abandoned 

- experience a ruthless inner critic 

- have difficulty speaking up around others

- experience negative body image, often fixating on specific parts of your body you wish to change  

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What does recovery look like?  When I think of recovery from narcissistic parents I envision a Phoenix rising from the ashes

​Steps:

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1. Putting out the "fire" that has killed your soul and identity

• Identifying and mapping your experiences and how this has led to your conditioning

2. Removing the smoldering ashes

• Unlearning your conditioning and patterns, processing the fear and hesitation, the shame or guilt that keeps us stuck

3. Rising as the Phoenix

• Finding your core self - the person who has always been there, lying dormant, waiting to be released

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Our primary drive as humans is connection, and doing this work of building separation and boundaries, so you can better connect to yourself and others, can feel stressful, counterintuitive, selfish and maybe even scary, and I commend you for taking the risk to trust the process of recovering from narcissistic abuse.  

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For those who believe themselves to be narcissistic, who are fearful of becoming a parent like their own, or want to learn how to create healthy attachment with their children:

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I also love working with individuals to change any unhealthy relational dynamics, as well as providing support for soon-to-be parents, new parents and current parents who want to build or strengthen a secure attachment with their children to prevent the repetition of family patterns. 

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*I have additional experience working with the following specific demographics*

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• ex-cult members

• childhood sexual abuse 

• DID & dissociative disorders

• sexual assault & rape

• partner betrayal & infidelity

• attachment & adoption trauma

• Narcissistic men 

• Chronic diseases such as Crohn's and connective tissue disorders

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